A little closer...

It's raining... hard. It's the kind of rain that comes straight down and extra wet. My little koi pond is cresting and the floor in my back room at the shop is soaked and swelling because the the door is level with the alley so the water seeps in. Pretty major fix; we have to clear all the cabinets out, replace the floor, install a new door, and raise the door jam an inch or so. Thousands of dollars I don't have or want to spend on that. Other than that, I like this kind of rain. It slows things down and brings life in a little closer. Being a frequent flyer, (I stopped counting this year after 30 flights I had taken by August) I always think about how the mood changes depending on the weather. Be it fog, rain, snow or whatever, it creates mood like warm lights or candles in the evening, or that cool light that comes in the windows in the morning, and up high enough it's always just bright sun. When you take off in the rain in a commercial airplane you always end up above it all in the beaming sun. Honestly, I prefer the weather. I like the fog, the rain, the mood. I guess I get the feeling its all just an act when I know that up above it all, the sun is as steady and constant as it's always been. We just happen to exist in that ever so thin realm between the clouds and the earth. Lucky us, we get the mood changes, the ambience. So let the curtains close on the scene of fall and open to winter, with the mood of reflection as this year wraps up and I think about how one year ago I was going to the doctor for anxiety, sleeplessness, chronic pain and mild depression, four prescriptions and 29 pounds heavier than I am as of this morning, my doctor said I should try daily exercise for 6 weeks... "Um... yeah... that's not gonna happen doc." too busy, too hard, and exercise is so tiring, ha ha..." He said, "Ok, no problem, heres some meds then." I tried those for a few months, and honestly, they made things worse in my mind, I felt broken, I felt like a mental patient, which I was, I was taking medicine for my moods, my anxiety, my stress and pain, I was mentally "ill" and if that isn't a stressful thought, I'm not sure what is. I'm normal, just like everyone else, we all get a little under the weather physically and mentally, once I acknowledged that it's ok to catch a cold, and it's normal to get a little mentally ill, I decided I'd try and do what you'd do for any sickness. You try and take care of it. I exercise now, since the end of June. I'm off the meds for a few months now. I still take half a xanax at night when I go to bed so my mind doesn't spin out, and I hope to wean myself off that ASAP. I also enjoy some wine most evenings too, but one step at a time right? Heading towards a healthier mindset, it's ironic to me that a healthier mind takes work physically. I've never been one to exercise, ever in my life until this year, and now I wish I had my whole life. I feel better physically and mentally. I still stress out, I still get anxious, I still have a restless night now and then but not nearly as bad as a year ago. I started with just stretching for ten min in the morning and maybe ten pushups and fifteen sit ups. In June I tried running at the track and couldn't even run a full lap. Now, I'm mtn biking, circuit training, learning how to box... I can do 150 burpees and five hundred jumping jacks and I'm leaving tomorrow morning to run my first half marathon with a hurt foot and jacked up knees, but whatever, I'll hobble it if I have to. I only say these things as an encouragement to anyone reading that feels defeated, depressed, or otherwise discouraged about themselves. We all go through that. I've met a couple people that seem generally just happy and satisfied with themselves and I envy them, but that's not normal... normal is us, stressed, moody, people that have their struggles, whatever they are... I didn't expect this blog to go this direction, but it is what it is, and again, I am where I'm at, so... guess I'll just enjoy the mood of this wet rainy day, and take some Aleve for my knees and foot. I hope you can enjoy the mood of wherever you're at, and take a step towards a healthier you, be it mentally, physically, or both.